It’s been a while since I have written anything at all. Other than this blog I have waaaay too many social networking sites and photo sites and mom sites and anything-you-can-think-of sites. They all have pretty much just been sitting there in my browser. I don’t read much anymore, I don’t watch tv, I’m not even sleeping right anymore. I either have insomnia or I can’t wake up. I know that this is depression. I just don’t know how to snap out of it.
I have been so down that I didn’t want to live before. I don’t feel that way now, I just don’t seem to care and that’s not like ‘me’. The real me. The real Michelle is happy, goofy, always laughing or making someone else laugh at her, chatty, phone-talkin, computer typin, dancing, going out places, shopping, ms. make-up face, etc. I am the anti-me. The bizarro Michelle (Seinfeld? ha).
I want my old life back and I can’t seem to let go of that lately. I will be in the car with The Big C going anywhere and I’ll see women walking and I wonder-where are they going? And they are walking there? I wanna do that! Do they still work? Are they happy? I bet they are not sick and in pain. This is not healthy to be wondering about stranger’s lives and feeling jealous of their health. I don’t feel jealous of the health of anyone I know, just strangers and the people that I don’t like, ha! I’m like, ‘it’s not fair that so-and-so; the most despicable, narcissistic, worst parent in the world can just jump up in the morning and go to work and go on vacations to other countries and go camping and yadda yadda yadda. ( I can’t stand this woman for good reason, she is awful to her children) And here I am, a woman with a great family who recently graduated from college after going back to school as an adult. I finally got to work in the field that I always wanted, to help and care for people. I am still really pissed that I was robbed of that, I was only in the field for a year before it hit me. I had a healthy social life. We as a family would go camping, hiking etc. I loved to go shopping, gambling, dancing, traveling, driving, living life!!!! I want that woman back so bad it hurts. And it’s not going to happen. There is no cure. I almost typed out, this is it. But I don’t want this to be it. I’m still in my jammies laying on my bed feeling sorry for myself. I’m usually more likely to be giving out advice to someone else who is sick like me, and making them laugh or something really goofy.
How do I snap out of this? It’s just not going away and I can’t be that fun to be around to the people who are stuck here living with me. And I need to call my bff. I’m 41 and I just said bff. Maybe I am coming back. I need to close the computer and get on the phone.
Until next time,