Infinity. I know that this is totally random, but when I got on tonight to post, I noticed this icon that I have probably seen a million times and never bothered to see what it was. So I clicked it, and it’s a dialog box for custom characters. The first thing I see is the infinity sign because my cursor was hovering over it when I opened it. Second thing is there are symbols for the suits of cards-diamonds, hearts, and clubs. No spade. Where is the spade? It is by far the coolest suit when it comes to cards. Huh. (note to self, edit the hell out of this, you are sleep deprived.)
Infinity kind of ties in with what has been on my mind lately. I don’t feel like me anymore. The old me, I guess. That’s my problem. It’s been almost 4 years since I became sick and I am realizing I am just not me anymore. Or am I? Has being chronically ill, or finally accepting that I will always be sick changed me? For sure I am different when it comes to the things that I can and can’t do. It’s like night and day. If I knew that I would become sick like this, oh man. I would have appreciated life so much more. All the little things, like sitting on the floor with the Bean. Being able to get out of bed and hop in the shower. Walking, anywhere. Riding in the car for more than a half an hour. Driving. Movement, I never ever thought about illness, I never thought I would have to think so much about movement. At this point in time, I am unable to do the simplest things, it is so frustrating. I’m angry. Did I say coming to terms somewhere up above? Let’s say there’s different levels of coming to terms with it. Right now I’m at the basement level; I’m aiming for the sky, penthouse please.
Pity party is over now, grab your coat and get the heck outta here! I’ll clean up the mess, tomorrow is ALWAYS a brand new day.