Late night randomness

Late night randomness

Fractured, LITAL©2010
Fractured, LITAL©2010

Infinity.  I know that this is totally random, but when I got on tonight to post, I noticed this icon that I have probably seen a million times and never bothered to see what it was.  So I clicked it, and it’s a dialog box for custom characters.  The first thing I see is the infinity sign because my cursor was hovering over it when I opened it. Second thing is there are symbols for the suits of cards-diamonds, hearts, and clubs. No spade. Where is the spade?  It is by far the coolest suit when it comes to cards.  Huh.  (note to self, edit the hell out of this, you are sleep deprived.)

Infinity kind of ties in with what has been on my mind lately.  I don’t feel like me anymore.  The old me, I guess.  That’s my problem.  It’s been almost 4 years since I became sick and I am realizing I am just not me anymore.  Or am I?  Has being chronically ill, or finally accepting that I will always be sick changed me?  For sure I am different when it comes to the things that I can and can’t do.  It’s like night and day.  If I knew that I would become sick like this, oh man.  I would have appreciated life so much more.  All the little things, like sitting on the floor with the Bean. Being able to get out of bed and hop in the shower.  Walking, anywhere.  Riding in the car for more than a half an hour.  Driving.  Movement, I never ever thought about illness, I never thought I would have to think so much about movement.  At this point in time, I am unable to do the simplest things, it is so frustrating. I’m angry.  Did I say coming to terms somewhere up above?  Let’s say there’s different levels of coming to terms with it.  Right now I’m at the basement level; I’m aiming for the sky, penthouse please.

Pity party is over now, grab your coat and get the heck outta here!  I’ll clean up the mess, tomorrow is ALWAYS a brand new day.

2michelle

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6 thoughts on “Late night randomness

    1. Hey! It’s good to hear from you. I stopped by a few times and saw that you have a new blog, I like it. Your a good momma
      I hope you are doing well, hugs back
      Michelle

  1. You know, it’s no wonder that you’ve had to change many aspects of your life since you got RA. Here’s the thing, though: The “you” that existed before the RA came into your life is the same “you” anyway. Being angry, disappointed, regretful about not being more mindful of the simple things you took for granted when you were RA-free is a natural reaction to the changes. There’s not a thing wrong with it.

    Over time, you’ll learn to find your joy in life in spite of RA. You might even find MORE joy and happiness, Michelle, because you’ll be so much more aware and appreciative of the many small gifts that life offers us, if only we take the time to look. I think you’re very strong and very determined to be as healthy and happy as you can be — it’s all a matter of how you perceive it. You’re an inspiration, truly.

    I hope this finds you feeling better. Keep looking for those gifts!

    -Wren

    1. You are the inspiration my dear. Thank you so much for the encouragement, and the truth. I know that things will get better if I make them better. Baby steps, baby steps, lol.
      I’m so glad that I ‘know’ you. You truly lifted my spirits, and made me smile on one of the most impossible days.
      Soft hugs, blessings, and be well,
      Michelle

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