I woke up this morning just feeling the depression before I even had my eyes open all the way. I’ve been battling it for weeks now, but today is/was different. I felt like I’d already lost the battle and I hadn’t even gotten out of bed. I know this is a chemical thing, and I also know it is very selfish of me to entertain it, I just feel powerless today. My pain is very high. I feel poison running through my veins. It’s the only way to describe this feeling; I can feel it running through my veins. I’m itchy. I’m restless. I’m a mess.
I have so many things to be thankful for, and to be grateful for. My family. Are. Amazing. My partner in this life is a saint to be putting up with even a fraction of all the shit I seem to be throwing around lately. He is my heart, my reason. The Bean is amazing as always. I feel the most guilt over her. I feel like I am not giving her what she needs. I’m always sick. I imagine us going to the library, to the park, heck, even just to the store. But ‘Gramma is sick’ is what she hears. Big C corrects me and shows me just how happy she is. My mother is always there for me and Bean. She takes her to the park the library, the mall. I am forever grateful.
I thought if I sat down and tried to put into words what is making me itch, causing me pain that i would feel better. I think the only way I’m going to feel better is to consciously choose to be happy. That sounds so simple. And impossible today. Is this depression? Or is it guilt. I feel so guilty for being sick all the time.
I get the weirdest spam on this blog. There’s tons that are just gobbledy-gook like a cat ran down the keyboard and here in there in the mix are some smut words. Other times there is a paragraph of nonsense. Makes me laugh as I go through them. Here’s one
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It reminds me of grade school when the teachers gave you your first ‘real’ writing assignment and it has to be x amount of words. Lookout thesaurus! I’m gonna throw in as many descriptive words as I can get away with for describing the waters George Washington was crossing. A for effort to the spammer above, although it was probably just computer generated.
Life is still the same as it’s been all Summer, except now it’s Fall. I’ve been battling depression and trying to fake it ’til I make it. It a motto Big C and I stand by and I try really hard. But lately, I’ve been mopey. I had my infusions last week. My ‘head pain’ came back and my rheumy threatened to pull the plug. I whipped on my shades and then proceeded to cry like a baby in front of all the other infusees. He said it was too dangerous, chance of me having a stroke. Huh? I sure didn’t read that anywhere. So C and I pretty much begged. The infusion nurses, who btw are saints, suggested I take an oral toradol added to my pre-meds, and then IV toradol at the end of the day. This being what stopped my head from exploding in the ER the month before. He agreed and put it the order and the next morning I showed up just praying, praying for no pressure that ultimately turns into the head pain. I took my pre-meds, tylenol, benadryl, and toradol along with my regular pain meds and sat back in the chair and prayed. The infusion nurse chatted as she hooked up my IV and I prayed silently some more. Well, before they hang the bag of immunoglobulins, they hang a bag of solu-medrol as part of my pre-med package. It’s like liquid prednisone (yuck) I feel fatter just thinking about it. Anyway, as soon as the drip started my head started to swell with incredible pressure. It’s the solu-medrol not the IVIG!! I was so happy!! I can continue with the infusions! And that’s when I found out my rheumy decreased my dose this time as a precaution. He told me it’s the least amount he could give me without stepping in to the non-therapeutic range. Well-it’s been over a week, and I’m not feeling better like I did last time. I was SO looking forward to that well-floating-in-a-cloud-back-to-healthy-feeling. It’s not coming and I’ve got the pity party blues.
I’ve got to get into the shower, pull up my bootstraps and fake it ’til I make it. Woot! Or, I could stay in bed and scrap. That sounds good too. I’ve got tons of new graphics just waiting to be pieced together around my beautiful family. I’m thinking I’m going to choose the latter. As a matter of face, I already chose =)
Until next time
Picture above: I got that shot on the way to the hospital’s infusion center in a moving car. It came out pretty good considering, but I tossed it into Picnik and did some heavy duty editing with all the goodies they have. =)