Another month has gone by and lately I’ve been hyper-aware of how fast it’s flying. Markers are infusions and doctors visits. Everything in between has been an effort to make it through another day. It’s no way to live. My depression is a strong opponent. Each win for the other side sees me sliding down deeper and deeper. The fact that I’m so aware of this leaves me feeling defeated. Why aren’t you doing something about it? Why haven’t you scheduled an appointment with a therapist, the dentist, Bean’s eye doctor??? I feel paralyzed and that makes me feel even more weak. As you can tell, it’s been a time of introspection and one that is not leaving me feeling satisfied with my thoughts.
I often wonder how other people do it. How do they do their life while battling constant illness? Do I have it tougher than everyone else? A big no to that one. I find myself comparing others that come in to the infusion center. I infuse 3 days in a row per month; between 6 and 8 hours each day. It’s a long time in a recliner and I learned early on that sweats and comfy jammies were the way to go. Function over form. I never thought I would utter those words, it’s something I’ve heard Big C say eons ago when we were getting ready to go out and I was complaining about my heels pinching me. He mentioned that guys are all about function over form. What a pain in the ass it must be to be so uncomfortable… hahaha. We have to look good!! Thank goodness men and women are so different. Anyway, this last infusion I got there at 8:30 and sat down, wrapped myself in one of my throws, kicked off my slippers, yes slippers, and settled in. With my hair up in a pony and no make up on, I was suddenly painfully aware of how frumpy I felt. By 9:00 a few more patients came in. Each one with a small bag hanging on their IV pole. Dang it, why is mine so huge… A young woman sat next to me. As the nurse covered her with a blanket out of the warmer, I noticed her shoes. She was wearing a pair of the cutest patent leather Mary Janes I’ve ever seen and they had about a 3 inch heel. I look at my slippers and felt embarrassed suddenly by my at-home-in-bed-ensemble. Her clothes were office casual and she was wearing make up, of course. I felt keenly aware of every hair that was out of place on my head. For the rest of the day I was aware of everyone coming and going. Each person seemed to be happy and have it together. Dressed for work or at least not in their jammies, it was driving me nuts. Was I sicker than all of these people, or was it my frame of mind? Maybe I am sicker-I’m the first one there and the last one to leave. Most that come in are getting Remicade which takes around 2 hours or they’re getting an infusion of iron. My treatment is pretty aggressive. But, I know in my heart of hearts that my thinking is skewed and is keeping me down. I’m not the only one suffering, it’s time to change how I’m going to react to each symptom. I can’t let this keep me down. It’s time to pull up my bootstraps and do something about this depression. I have amazing family support and God on my side too. I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions but I am going to work on my mindset and keep in touch with those who love me. Two biggies.
I’ll be back before the month is up 🙂