A nightmare come true-speechless

A nightmare come true-speechless

I’m sick. I know this much. My headache is finally gone, it feels gone.  Is it gone?  I keep rolling over, trying to go back to sleep.  He’s shaking me. Do you know who I am???? Over and over again.  I just pull away.  All I want to do is sleep while I can.  I can’t feel the pain anymore.  You’re not making any sense!!! I can’t understand you!!! He says.  I look at him and I don’t know his name.  I didn’t know I was talking. Wasn’t I just sleeping? Why does he keep waking me up? I realize the importance of his questions.  He is frantic.  His eyes are wide. I love this man, I know this.  But I can not tell him his name.

He is trying to push sweats on over my shorts.  I’m taking you to the emergency room. I’m pushing his hands away.  Do I have clean underwear on? I’m frantic now too. I’m scared. Yet I’m worried about my underwear. I’m trying to talk but no words come out. Just strange sounds.  My daughter comes into the room.  She looks so scared, I feel so bad.  I’m scaring everyone. Stop it!  He asks me, do you know her name.  I know I have to get this right.  It’s important. I say a name. It’s a word!! I said something! But they both look at me.  Sad.  I got the answer wrong.  Now I’m trying to get ready to get in the car.  I’m freezing.

Hey Mom? I turn around real quick and I see my son.  No, I say.  Then I say, I’m ok.  The words came out of my mouth.  We are driving fast, I think I’m crying.  I know that something is really wrong, and I’m scared and I hurt now.  I feel the pain, and the air smells cold.  It’s freezing my nostrils and I can’t stop crying.

We’re here.  I don’t really know what they’re saying.  She says, can you answer me?  I open my mouth and I’m straining but it doesn’t happen. He’s pushing me through the double doors in a hospital wheelchair.  It’s triage.  More questions, more straining. By now, I’m tired.  I just want to go to sleep.  The next thing I remember is the nurse with the mask on.  It covers her mouth but it also has an eye shield. It presses so hard that it pulls her bottom eyelids down and she looks scared.  This is not good.  Needles, IV’s being poked and prodded.  I notice that there is no color.  I’m seeing everything in black and white and I don’t want anymore.  I want to go home.  Doctor comes in and I can’t talk to him either.  This is a freaking nightmare.  He has sad eyes and he is short.  Very small.  He tells me they have to do a scan and then a spinal tap to rule out meningitis.  No, I don’t want this.  He reads my mind and tells me it has to be done.  We have to go to another area to do the scan, and it feels like the room just spins around like in the old TV shows where you pull a book and whoosh.  You’re on the other side.  They have something wrapped around me and tell me don’t move my head, lay still, as they pull me sideways and I slide down onto another table.  I see people on the other side of the glass.  I can’t understand what’s happening.  I can’t hear.  Everyone looks urgent, harried.  I feel like I’m in a bad dream.  I don’t see any color, just black and white.  I’m back with Big C.  I know he’s Big C.

*Then there are two women who are pulling me down a dark hall.  There is a guy who is mocking them.  A Russian lady is talking to me as the other two are climbing under my gurney and wrapping this giant blanket around me like swaddling a baby.  They have a gleam in their eyes.  They are up to no good.  I start fighting them, pulling against the blanket trying to get out.  They will not get me in that room.  We are in some kind of a basement, and what they want to do to me-I know that if they get me in there, I will be dead.  *(I find out later, this part was a hallucination that I had)

I open my eyes and the doctor and the nurse with the uncomfortable mask are prepping me for the spinal tap.  He tells me to grab C’s arm and his and pull.  Harder!!! No push against my arm, harder!!! I am screaming.  I had one years ago, I don’t remember it hurting this bad. The room is all yellow and dark.  I want to know why the lighting has changed after everyone got on masks.  We are quarantined. Everything is so surreal. He is saying they have to be sure.  We have to wait for results.  That’s all I remember. I remember it now like you remember an awful dream.  The one’s that seems so real it gives you a stomach ache.

I woke up in a really large room.  It was bright and sunny and my Big C was there.  I’m like, what happened?  You have meningitis, he tells me.  I’m in a room that is droplet something, can’t remember the term.  But everyone who comes in has to wear a mask and gown.  I’ve got cooties.  At least I don’t have that awful feeling of surrealism spooking me out.  I can talk.  I am scared, but in the oh-my-gawd-how-the-heck-did-this-happen-way. I immediately remember the women, and the Russian, and the guy, I find out that I had a hallucination.  They had actually sent me to get an MRI and I gave the techs some trouble and was “making noises’ and kicking the inside of the machine.  I was so embarrassed!! C said don’t worry about it, you were not you and you didn’t know what the heck was going on.  I got the MRI done a few days later and me and the tech had a laugh over it.

I ended up staying in the hospital for a week.  I had meningoencephalitis, and am just hugely thankful that no major damage was done and that I am here in my bed, typing away. I’m really tired, feels like my ears are plugged and they are ringing at the same time.My brain fog is so thick you could cut it with a knife.  But I am thankful, so very thankful that God doesn’t want me yet.  There still things for me to accomplish here and I’m glad to know it.

6 thoughts on “A nightmare come true-speechless

  1. What an absolute nightmare! So glad you are on the mend. Be as well as your naughty immune system will let you. Best to you and yours,
    Cheers,
    Headstrong

    1. Thanks Headstrong. What a great name btw. You kinda have to be when it’s you against your body 24/7 huh? : ) Thanks for stopping by, I’m on my way over to check out your blog. Wishing you a great day!

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