Life in the Autoimmune Lane

move over, I wanna change lanes!
January 8th, 2013 by Michelle

A Day Out Amongst the Normals

Today was a day for doing. I had a meeting in the early afternoon and just getting ready and getting out there seemed foreign to me.  I wouldn’t say I just realized that I’ve isolated this past year, but doing ‘normal’ things and having them feel so strange is a reminder for me to get out there. I’ve bubbled myself in this house and it feels really good to get out and do anything that’s not illness related.

So I meet my brother in the early afternoon for this appointment with a lawyer.  We’re talking and after we conclude our business she asks “So, which one of you is older?” Holy shit. I just looked across the table at J and said “Uh, he is.” My brother is almost 8 years older than me. Has hunkering down in my house for a year aged me like, a decade?? I already have issues with being 45. I don’t know when it happened. I was 35 and then bam! 45. Time is just flying by. Anyway, we head back towards home to let the dogs out and we have to be at my mom’s house at 6 for dinner. I made her a journal/planner thingy and I wanted to give it to her tonight, but our printer is out of ink.  So I put all the files on a flash drive to print it out at a store.  C says lets stop at the drug store down the street, they have a kiosk there where we can print them out.  We get into the store and I swear, I’m feeling like I’ve never been inside a drug store before.  I started to get that pre-panic attack feeling in my chest. We head into the camera department and find the kiosk and I couldn’t find the slot for the flash drive. I’m looking all over the machine and instead of asking someone for help I’m determined to find the dang slot. I had to ask. Turns out it’s hanging off the machine on the end of a cord. By then the Bean is all over the place. She’s tired from being in the car half the day and her blood sugars are low. She’s trying to climb on the unreasonably tall chair they have in front of the kiosk and simultaneously asking when we’re going to be at Nana’s house for the millionth time. I spend like 5 minutes going through the two thousand files (literally) that is on his flash drive and I’m not seeing the files. I realize that I forgot to save them as jpegs. They’re in psd format and the stupid machine doesn’t recognize them. By now it’s 4:30 and we jam back home so I can process them. Photoshop crashes about 5 times and what would only take a few minutes took a half hour. I’m a total wreck trying to get these files changed while C and Bean are waiting in the car. :/ By this time I don’t want to go back to the drug store. So we stop at a copy place on the way. The guy that works there tells us the machines only recognize pdf’s and power points and I’m thinking ‘whaaaa?’ He says he can put the flash drive in his computer behind the desk and print them out for me. It’s his cashier computer and he turns the screen and starts going through what I recognize as Window’s tutorials. I’m totally having a panic attack now. Bean is floppy, like flinging herself around the store.  When C walks over to peel her off of a woman that’s working there Bean says ‘Grampa’ and the woman stops what she’s doing looks at C and says “NO WAY!!! You’re WAY to young to be a grampa!” After not being recognized as younger than 53 earlier, hearing her say that to C made me want to slap her.  Or slap him for looking so dang young all the time. The clerk behind the counter is rambling something at me about his computer freezing and all I can hear is ‘wah wah wah’ and I feel that sweat drip down my neck and I look at C and he’s looking back at me like ‘I can’t help it!’ and I started giggling. Yes, I did. Inappropriate laughter-I’m always good for that. Bean looks at me and starts laughing because I am and then it’s infectious. I just want the damn print outs and I want out of the store and Bean is belly laughing. It took forever and 27 bucks and half of the papers with the tops cut off of the pictures later and we made it out of the store.

I HAVE to get out more regularly. I felt weird today, like people could tell that I felt uncomfortable. Physically though, I think I’m doing pretty good. I guess I’ll find out tomorrow morning if I overdid it today. Totally off topic but far more interesting-today is David Bowie’s birthday.  And I look way younger than him! If you’ve made it this far through my really boring and panic-filled day you deserve some Bowie. Click here for awesomeness.

Until next time,

Comments

2 Responses to “A Day Out Amongst the Normals”
  1. Cyd Snyder says

    Michelle- I just found you! I am happy and depressed at the same time. I got diagnosised with psoriatic arthritis in September, on my 48th birthday. I returned from a 3 week vacation and literally went from active, healthy to barely functioning.The pain in my ankles and feet make walking near impossible. My hands hands don’t work either so I can’t do my art, handywoman work. The worst is not being able to take care of my kids.

    I have been looking to find support and hear other peoples experiences. People without an autoimmune disease don’t seem to get it at all. I still can’t get my head around it- the physical limitations and the crazy ass meds. The doctors keep telling me I should feel better and it just keeps getting worse. The positive is that I do have a wonderful partner that is taking care of me and our kids.

    I have been going through your past writing, it is strangely reassuring to read. That you understand even just how taking a shower is now an event, 4 months ago it wasn’t even a thought. I have watched more movies than my whole lifetime and read a zillion books. I’m losing my mind from lack of intellectual stimulation! The social isolation and relying on others is killing me.

    Actually, I have never been on a blog before (my son had to find it for me). So I’m not sure how it works. I keep a journel on my phone because I can speak it instead of type and find it therapeutic. I hope I didn’t go on too much! Thank you for writing. Cyd

    • Hey Cyd,
      I’m glad you found me too! I’ve been really bad about blogging here. Trying to get back into it as it helps me and it’s good to know that it helps others too.
      I’m really sorry to hear of your diagnosis. What a crappy birthday gift too! I do get it: the going from active to not at the drop of a hat. It’s very sobering, thinking back to when little things like showers weren’t so monumentally challenging. (((hugs)))) I’m about 6 1/2 years in and I really think that the most important thing you can have (even more important than meds) is a supportive partner/family. Without that everything is just that much harder. SO glad you do have that hun. And yes, sometimes no matter how much you explain to others who don’t have an autoimmune disease, they just don’t get it. You’re in a club now that you didn’t sign up for!
      Are you on facebook? There are a host of support groups there, many of which are really helpful. I have so many friends there that I met pre-facebook on yahoo support groups. Support is SO important, you have to be able to vent. I’m wishing you a pain-free evening, as much as possible. Stop by anytime
      xoxo
      Michelle

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