Another year has gone by without me blogging. Not once people! I think if I’m going to keep writing (and I should) this blog has to evolve, because I have. 😉 I’m now 10 years in to the spoonie/chronic/wtf lifestyle and life is much different than it was in 2007. Matter of fact everything has evolved in these last 10 years. Seems like just yesterday I bought one of first cell phones that had a camera in it. My best friend made fun of me because it was really weird looking in the hinge where the phone flipped…yes, flipped. ? I’ve been feeling very nostalgic lately….
This year I’ll be turning the big five o. I was telling Big C the other day, what the hell has happened to the time?! It feels like I’ve been ripped off these past 10 years. Everyone says the 40’s are the best years! You’re kids are grown or are close to leaving the nest so you have more freedom, you’ve worked your ass off to get where you are in your career (so hopefully you’re not living paycheck to paycheck like in your 20’s and 30’s even) you might be done with apartment living in and your own home….etc. But I feel like I was robbed. I got sick when I was 39 and my entire 40’s was filled with sickness, pain, anxiety, fear, and suffering. Those things kinda put a damper on recognizing and living in the moment. It’s kinda hard to explain, but I don’t feel that I’ve grown as a person, I feel like I should be turning 40 instead of 50, but it is what it is. 😉
This last year I’ve said goodbye to a few friends after the fact, as they passed quickly and unexpectedly. We all know that we’ve got a greater chance of dying before we hit old age due to disease, but when it happens it’s still such a great shock. I miss them like crazy. It’s brought me to a place where I’m thinking about my own mortality. Would I be happy with my life as I lived it if I died today? No. So I’m making some changes. I’m trying to be more present. Trying to get a little more healthy; changing the things I can control.
Aight. I’ll be back. Baby steps…
We’ve been ‘moving’ all summer long and I keep saying “this is the home stretch” and “it’s down to the wire” and all these other ridiculous expressions and now it really is.
I’m sick, no surprise there, and just weak as a cat. Woke up this morning at 6 restless as hell, spent forever being sick and laid in bed switching blog themes here. Just wasting time. This one doesn’t even work properly but I’m past the point of caring today.
Our house is mostly empty and 90 percent of our belongings have already shipped east and are probably being stored as I type. I wish I could’ve had someone come in and just pack everything for me, but as my illness really took hold a couple of years ago, so my stellar organizational skills flew out the window. Haha, sarcasm there. I like to blame Big C for our piles of paperwork but if I was totally honest I’d say it’s half mine. I got sick, I became immobile, and I let it pile up. I couldn’t have movers touch all of my memories and now I wished I would’ve just shelled out the dough and said fuck it. Pack it all.
When C woke up I whined at him about how sick I was and how out of control our moving situation was and he didn’t even have any coffee in him yet. I’m selfish. I’m spoiled. I’m awful. Today is a day for berating myself for all of my short-comings. I had to stop working in our room to go out back and cry.
It’s tense here. We seem to be gouging at old wounds and I keep wondering why. Why are we such a fucking mess? Why can’t we just pack the last fucking box and drive away? I don’t know. But I do know that the house is almost completely empty and once it is then we are on the road whether we like it or not. This is a move that we want. It’s not like someone has us at gun point and are making us go…
I had to stop boxing up the stuff under our bed and cry some more. I found evidence of people’s love for me and cried some more. Letters that friends have written and stamped and mailed out to me. In this age of being keystrokes away from saying ‘hey’ I have friends that made the effort. And I’m sure I never wrote them back. Sure of it. I can jump online and tell people that I love them easily enough, and do, but I haven’t put pen to paper in years. Seeing these letters made me happy and sad at the same time. I gathered these letters and put them in my blue bag to take in the rig. I’m not sure if I separated them out to remind me I’m loved or to remind me what a shitty friend I am. Then I found a pile of cards. There was this big pink glittery card, a huge one and I already knew who it would be from. I opened it up and it broke me. Just broke me to pieces. It was from my dad. He always got me these huge cards. On the right side was what the card company wrote about me being such a good daughter and on the left he wrote ‘everything on the right side of the card is true! You’re the best daughter in the world. Love, Dad’ and that’s it. I miss him so much it physically hurts. I wish he was here so I could tell him I love him one more time and to hug him and smell the old spice site.
I’m trying to make myself go into the room and finish boxing up all of my old memories. Came in and went downstairs and out front I could see this guy digging through my clothes in the box on the grass. It was so weird in that he’s in his 20’s with no mustache but an amish-like beard and he’s holding up my old size one pants and thinking. And I’m thinking ‘please don’t notice me sneaking over to the door to close it’. Such a weird day. I’m only rambling now. I’m so sad.
No, I’m totally not Greek at all. I was trying to be hip. Oh wait, hip’s not hip. Oh what? That movie was like big, like, a decade ago?? Haha, you know as I was writing that I thought, hey this is the funniest stuff! I do try though, don’t I?
Today is our son’s 23rd birthday. He lives a few hours above us, and due to his work schedule and his fiancee’s work/school schedule, plus the fact that they probably don’t wanna hang with the moms and pops when they do finally get some downtime, we don’t get to see them as often as we’d like. He decided he wanted to come down and go camping with his dad. 🙂 Perfect! But-I told everyone I couldn’t go, my body has been weird to me lately and I didn’t think I could make it in the heat and in a tent. I know. I have the most understanding of kids. They really do rock. So that’s not the guilt, here’s the guilt-I kept Bean here with me. She’s not awake yet and Big C and I could come up with nothing that would magically make her feel better about being home with me. She got to stay up late last night and see everyone, so she knows that they’re here. She gets SO excited when her uncle K’s fiancee comes. I say she likes A more that she likes candy and I’m right.
She’s timid when it comes to the outdoors, she has a hard time walking trails and fear leads to meltdowns of epic proportions. I really wanted Big C to have some quality camp time with K and the rest of the gang. If we had her go, Big C would be spending all of his time trying to soothe her so I made the executive decision to keep her with me. Here’s the thing. She has no idea that when she wakes up everyone will not be here and what the heck am I going to tell her. I kept asking C last night, help me think of a good way to tell her. Or just not a really bad way to tell her. I still don’t know. I’m thinking I’m going to tell her that they went camping for one night, and that I really wanted her to come with me to visit Nanna. And just hope she doesn’t hate me forever. (<—- melodramatic haha)
That’s all I’ve got for now. I’m going to leave you with the cutest pic of K when he was the cutest. :0)
AAAHHHHH!!! He was so dang cute. Now he’s an adult and he’s still dang cute but I don’t want to pinch his cheeks anymore. They’re all beardy.
Until next time,
It’s a beautiful day here today. It was supposed be 60 degrees today but I think it got warmer. I sat out back for a bit today to try and get some sun on my Elvira skin. I swear I thought I heard it sizzle. Ssssss, haha it’s hard being this pale. I freckle and burn like crazy. Anyway, I brought the laptop out back and made a scrapbook page of the Nugget. One of my all time favorite pics of her standing on our lawn with her arms stretched up in the air like ‘YEAH!!!’ She’s so dang adorable. She’s also the most devious of the grandkids. She plots and plans and she has a really bad poker-face because I can always tell when she’s scheming. I guess that sounds really bad, I mean when she’s scheming to blame something on her sister, trying to sneak an extra cookie, etc. Normal 4 year old plotting and planning.
I used Under The Boab Tree kit by Marta Van Eck Designs
Haha! I laugh each time I see this picture. She brings me so much joy, that kid. Then the gnats or whatever the heck they are were dive bombing me so much I had to come back inside. I think this burst of good weather has brought all the creepy crawlies and fliers out of the woodworks.
So, I started a new blog for posting my scrapbook pages on blogger. It’s prompting me to keep on scrappin. I just love creating something, it’s a good feeling. Anyway, I found a blog that I started right after I got sick . Wow…I know I’m not a writer, like at all, and this sentence proves that but oh my. I’m reading through it and I am SO angry. Which is normal, but it’s just trippy to read. I wrote it never intending to publish it, it’s like a journal. I’m thinking about going through it and removing names and publishing it. Maybe someone who is recently diagnosed can relate to my angry ramblings. I dunno. OK, I really have nothing new to say…Hope whoever’s reading this is having a good day, and that you have sunshine without a million gnats.
Until next time,