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I’m back! And feelin wiggy…

I’m back! And feelin wiggy…

I can’t believe we are halfway through the year and I’m still pretty much holding down my bed. There are SO many things that; have happened/are happening/are going to happen, it is overwhelming at times. I can’t post about them specifically as they are family issues, but the stress has all but immobilized me.

I have been putting off going back to the new rheumy to start treatment because there is too much going on and I’m needed here to help. At the same time, the longer I wait and the more I do, the sicker I become. It’s so cyclic. Yesterday I told Big C, just go ahead and call. Try and squeeze it in on any day that we have free and I’ll be there. I just can’t wait any longer. Oh, the guilt of it all is unbearable. I feel guilty now when I’m really sick because so many people need me. I’ve been pushing myself and I’m not new enough to think this will have no consequence. sigh. I need a shower people!!! Yes, that is my goal is to make it into the shower today. Taking it minute by minute.

Recently I posted my first ‘post’ Cushings picture on FB. I don’t look as bad as I think I do.(‘they’ say)  I still got it! LOL No, I just got more of it. 🙂 I’m finally coming to terms with the ‘cosmetic’ side of the disease. I am huge compared to my natural weight, but you know what? C still thinks I’m hot. And really, that’s all that matters. woot! I think he’s nuts but I’ll take it. Seriously though, we have seen more lows than highs in our 11 years together. They are usually not our lows, but lows we have had to deal with nonetheless. And we are still together. We are still desperately in love with each other. We are still our favorite people to be around, we make each other happy. He is an amazing man, and I thank God everyday that I was blessed to find my soulmate. OK, enough sappy shmappy.

But in the same vein as vain, ha ha ooohh k, I have found myself scouring the wig catalog that keeps finding it’s way into my mailbox. I’m convinced C’s ex had it mailed to me to begin with, but now I love’em! There are so many rad wigs out there. I WANT ONE. Is that crazy? Are wigs just for grammas anymore? I mean older grammas. I know I’m a gramma. Just not old yet. I’ll be 43 tomorrow, so I’m young to my daddy who’d 80, but ancient to my daughter who’s 20. whatever. So, I find myself picking them up and looking through and actually pining over 2 of them. Wigs. Pining over wigs. Who am I???? 🙂 I’m losing my hair, that’s who I am. So anyway, I decide to look up the company online, and just Google the name and the first couple are always a couple of ads. One of them says, why buy from company x when you can get quality for the same price? And I decided to click on there. Well, I must have been in need of a laugh, because I could not stop laughing. Belly buster laughs. I’m sure it’s-you had to be there-kind of a thing. But each model, down each row was just HILARIOUS!! And I’m not knocking wigs, or wig models for that matter, per say, just these particular ones. There was 3 faces they had while modeling the wigs. 1. faux sexy tigress 2. scared 3. incredibly embarrased  
I just couldn’t stop laughing. And who did the final go ahead with the website after seeing these shots?? I’m not talking about Paula Young’s site btw, I put a link up to her site. That’s the catalogue I keep receiving.  I really, really want the Renni, in that exact color… OK, I’m done yackin about wigs.

I’m really missing being here. I’ll be here more often. Promise.
until next time,

I’m Large and in Charge or Duck,Thar She Blows!

I’m Large and in Charge or Duck,Thar She Blows!

There is so much going on with my body I’m just spinning.  My muscles from the waist down go into lockdown mode anytime I lay down.  My superfun pittingedema (say it fast 3 times-it sounds like a Mexican dish) comes and goes, weeeee!  And, the lump that is in the middle of my neck.  Oh man.  We thought it was the beginning of a goiter.  That’s one of the side effects of the new medication that I’m taking.  I was sooo worried that I was going to have a Seinfeld size goiter.  Did you see that episode where Elaine is supposed to be volunteering, helping this old woman and the woman has a goiter the size of a football and she can’t look at her??  Yep.  I feel like it’s that big.  Well, I went to see my PCP.  He examines me.  He feels the lump.  He says, “Uh huh.  It’s fat.”  And I’m like, are you f-ing kidding me?  And he says no, I’m not f-ing kidding you.  Except we both say the f word.  Me because I’m in shock.  I CANT have fatneck!!!!  And him, I think so as to be cool, and be on my side in case I go batshit and start freaking out.  I did a double take in the middle of my ranting when I heard him say the f word.  Doctors don’t do that?  Anyways, I am positive that my stomach is the size of a Thanksgiving turkey because of ascites.  After my legs going tree trunk on me because of edema, I read a ton on it and you can get fluid in your abdominal cavity.  The biggest percentage of this happening is from liver failure, which he is testing me for, but occasionally people with lupus can get it.  He said it was ‘strange’ for me to put on 50 pounds in 2 and a half months.  He is also testing for Cushing’s syndrome. I started reading on that and it sounded too much like me so I stopped for a while.  I’ll read more on that later….  Yeah!  I’m scared.  I feel like I’m just going to keep getting bigger and bigger until I’m floating up to the ceiling…I know I get totally irrational.  But my stomach has never, e v e r been this large and I’ve had 2 kids.  I look ridiculous.  I don’t know what ascites or Cushing’s would mean for me.  I hope and pray my liver is ok.  I have been on steriods for too damn long with this disease.  I don’t know, I’m a wreck.  I think ice cream and a nap with help… 🙂

Until next time~Michelle~

~Check out the monthly animation I have on the bottom left side of the page.  It took forever to get the shot where you can see the trees through the growth on the branch.  When I had to downsize it to fit it on the blog, it makes it harder to see.  Trust me, it looks really cool when the shot is larger.~

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