I’ve been going through an old journal/blog of mine that I had set to private. It was basically a place where I vented to myself (lol) and also as a symptom tracker. It’s weird to read through it, I forgot just how truly awful things were. I’m posting these as I think they might help someone who’s newly ill/diagnosed/trying to get a diagnosis. I really was frustrated, sick, in pain, and flat out tired. I think it’s normal for someone who doesn’t really know what’s going on to have so many negative emotions. It takes time and repetition with those bad symptoms to not panic when you get them, to not be so angry, etc. I don’t buy that expression ‘time heals all wounds’ I think that’s bullshit. Time allows us to have experience with issues so they’re not so big, scary, awful. They become a little less. They still suck. I hope this helps someone out there. You are so not alone.
(I added these in the upper left hand corner of the blog, right next to About Me.)
We’re in the process of packing to move across the country. It’s a job that seems undoable to me at the moment. Whatever’s going on in my body makes me really, really unreliable. When I’m standing upright I have an overwhelming need to lay down. Go horizontal no matter if I’m in public or not. Haha! I’ve never laid my body down on the ground while out in public but the awful rush of the feeling of gravity pulling me into the ground is almost unbearable. Have you ever been on a ride, like a roller coaster where the ride is going so fast that you feel the g-force pushing you backwards? That’s what it feels like except it’s pulling me into the ground. sigh. I’m so completely, completely over my body doing all of the weird stuff it does.
One of my specialists tells me it’s CFS/ME the other thinks the DM is becoming active again, albeit very slowly. I guess we’ll see in time if that’s what it is. For right now though, I can get up from a chair without using my hands. That sounds so simple, but it’s the major test with my rheum to check my muscle strength. I can do it!!! I can climb stairs, I can get out of bed, I can walk down stairs which was always harder than climbing them. My muscles, other than being atrophied, are doing what they’re supposed to be doing. I should be celebrating my remission!! But there’s something else going on. How unfair is that?? To be in remission and be sick as hell is supremely unfair. I just keep telling myself ‘your muscles are good. your muscles are good’…it’s my mantra and it’s all about perspective.
Image courtesy of Burly Man, another Myosotis fighter.
Don’t you? 😀 Hate it, hate it, hate it!! But it is what it is. I try to enjoy the good times with every fiber of my being. This disease and the whole process has changed me for sure but I’ve received some really good things from it too. I am aware of time and just how valuable it is. It’s made me appreciate my family and friends more. I tell the people I love that I love them all the time. I probably sound like a broken record but I mean it. Being aware of your own mortality is a little scary but it really does make you appreciate. Everything. I’m very lucky to be here on this earth, complaining about my health. haha!
Whatever is going on in my body will not keep me down. We ARE going to be fully packed and ready to go by the end of the month. I’ve found a new mantra.
Ok people, my body is forcing me to be pro-active, and to be honest with you, I haven’t been pro-active at all this past year. I was so sick last night that when I woke up this morning I was surprised that I woke up. I actually had a moment of wow-I’m here. My body has done some pretty crazy stuff to me and I don’t ever remember being surprised that I made it through the night. When that’s your first thought in the morning it’s time to get off your ass and kick your depression and anxiety to the side and FIND A NEW DOCTOR. I’m struggling with my depression and I’m at a place where I feel like ‘I just can’t’ and I’m intelligent enough to know that my brain is making me feel this way.
I’ll tell you a little story about the reason I haven’t gotten a new primary care doc in the last 5 months.
[side note: my rheumatologist and neurologist are amazing.]
My father fell and broke his hip last November. He was 82. Everyone at the hospital told us that all of his breathing issues were due to that trauma of the break. Before he fell, he didn’t have any breathing problems or any other physical problems, just the Alzheimer’s. We had to wait a couple of days because he wasn’t stable enough to survive the surgery. His DNR stated ‘use all measures to sustain life’ so of course we opted to get the hip surgery done. One doc told us we could not have it done and I thought that was the craziest thing I’d ever heard. He suffered those 2 days with excruciating pain all the while looking into my eyes and mouthing words ‘help me’ under the Bi-Pap in sheer terror. My father had late stage Alzheimers. He didn’t know who I was. He had the surgery and the surgeons were blown away by how well it had gone. I told them my father is a fighter, and tough as hell. Of course it went really well. I had my proud daughter thinking cap on. Things went down hill again and he was moved to ICU and vented. We had many doctors, nurses, specialists tell us that he wasn’t going to make it and that the vent would probably not be able to come out. And it did. He made it off the vent. He made it up to Intermediary Care ward and was on a Bi-PAP. With the Bi-PAP on he still wasn’t getting good oxygen levels. He was suffering.
After 2 and a half weeks we had to decide to take it off. By now, he wasn’t opening his eyes anymore. I sat next to him and prayed the rosary for him, told him not to be afraid as he is going home to be with his family, and talked about our times together. The nurses were surprised that he was still with us on this earth and his vitals even looked good. I was hurting and told the nurse I was going to lay on the window seat, facing him and she said she’d monitor the vitals behind the desk and let me know when he was close. In all of my 45 years I have never felt so guilty for having to lay down my body during my dad’s time of death. I watched his face. He looked so peaceful and I could hear his breathing. I closed my eyes for a second and I felt like a pop in the air, I felt it on my chest. When I opened my eyes I saw this dark smoke ? waft it’s way out of my dad’s nose and it pooled in front of his face. I screamed out to my partner What the hell is that?? and the nurse ran in the room and screamed ‘you better say goodbye to your father now!!!’ I jumped off the seat and ran to him screaming I love you dad I love you dad! And he was gone. The nurse said his vitals were ok then they just dropped like incredibly fast. Someone told me he waited for me to close my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see him die.
At about the time my dad was put back on the CPAP and we were told by 4 different docs that he wasn’t going to live, and that basically we were keeping him breathing for us. That we needed to decide because that breather was keeping him alive and maybe we were being selfish. In different wording, not that harshly. It was about then that my doctor refused to fill my zoloft. Refused. I had been on it for 10 years, I have depression and have since I can remember. I was at the hospital, praying and sleeping there and couldn’t believe she wouldn’t refill it. We came home to shower and I called and her assistant said she hadn’t refilled it in a year. I was speechless, I was holding the bottle in my hand and it very clearly had her name on it, along with the last years worth of bottles as well. So, we called the pharmacy. It was a pharmacy mistake. When they got a denial to fill A YEAR BEFORE from her they sent it to my old doc without telling me and he filled it. And continued to do so for a year!! The pharmacist called my doc to explain it and I did as well and she stood firm and said. No. I will not refill your zoloft. Not even a months worth so I could find a doc who would actually treat a woman with depression with the meds that keep her head above water. I had one one day and the next nothing. I spent the last week of my dad’s life going crazy in my head with grief, and my brain chemistry was out of whack after not having zoloft for a decade.
It’s safe to say that I am clinically depressed and receiving no medication for it. It’s also safe to say that I have this weird fear? to get a new doc. I don’t know what it is. I haven’t been able to go and get a new primary care doc. There was something that happened to me the year before that just shut me down completely, when it comes to doctors. It took sheer determination to find this one, the one that wouldn’t refill my zoloft. And now I feel defeated. And I can’t be. Something is going on in my stomach that will probably require surgery to fix, so says the ER doc, and I knew way back in the 90’s that one day I might need the surgery.
I’m struggling today. I’m in lots of pain in my stomach and really have to get my head together and start looking for a new primary care. I’m promising myself I will this week.
Hey all. It’s been a strange week, sad, emotional. Leaves me feeling grateful which makes me feel guilty. Lots of feelings going on. It’s Friday at about 10 to 6 in the evening and I’ve cut myself off from the news for a bit. My mind was going on overdrive and the feeling in my heart were overwhelming so I gave myself permission to tune out.
Right now Bean’s taking a nap. She does every Friday after school so she has the energy to stay up a little late with her sister. 🙂 I think it qualifies as a ‘parent cheat’ as C and I get to sleep in a little bit on Saturday mornings. Shhh, don’t tell anyone that we are flawed parents just like everyone else! haha! She’s snoring away and although it’s cute, it means we have to get her back into the ENT doc. She had her adenoids and tonsils removed and her breathing was like night and day at night. If that makes any sense. But now she’s snoring again and I just want them to have a look see.
Other than that I really don’t have any new news here. Life is cruising right along without any major roadblocks, so that is good. I can’t complain. I hope that you are doing well, and having low or no pain days. That’s about all we can hope for, yes? Take care.
I’m leaving you with my latest page. I used Rebecca McMeen’s kit Waverly. I love her style, her dolls are always amazing. 🙂
The American Autoimmune Related Disease Association, or AARDA, launched a video series called “My Autoimmune Story” to increase awareness and education of autoimmune disease. Actress Kelly Martin, who is a spokesperson for AARDA, started off the series with a video of her own. She speaks about losing her sister to lupus and how it has affected her. She also speaks about her role as spokesperson and being dedicated to getting the word out about autoimmune disease. Here’s her clip. 🙂
AARDA LAUNCHES “MY AUTOIMMUNE STORY” VIDEO SERIES
Emmy-nominated Actress Kellie Martin Shares Her Story, Calls on Others to Share Theirs, Too
New Survey Reveals Need for Increased Awareness/Education of Autoimmune Disease DETROIT, March 28, 2013 – The American Autoimmune Related Diseases Association (AARDA) has launched its new “My Autoimmune Story” video series on its YouTube channel with the first story contributed by AARDA’s longtime spokesperson, Emmy-nominated actress Kellie Martin.
Part of AARDA’s 2013 March is National Autoimmune Awareness Month activities, the goal of the new series is to give the 50 million Americans afflicted with autoimmune disease (AD), as well as their families and friends, a national voice and platform to share their personal story.
“Preparing and sharing our personal autoimmune stories will help build critical mass and focus national attention on a major disease category in this country that is often overlooked,” said Martin, who has served as AARDA’s spokesperson since 1999. “Imagine the impact we would have if just one percent of the 50 million Americans suffering from autoimmune disease uploaded a video… that’s 500,000 stories.”
AARDA hopes by collecting and featuring these short videos, it will help educate people about the widespread impact of ADs, the difficulties in getting a diagnosis, the family or genetic component and the financial and emotional burden of living with these chronic illnesses.
AARDA is asking Americans who have been affected by AD – patients, families and friends — to post a video response to Martin’s video, sharing their autoimmune story in a 1-3 minute video vignette (www.youtube.com/aardatube).
Wow, if only 1 percent of the 50 million people made a video….think of the impact of that could bring to raising awareness buy paroxetine!! That’s an incredible amount of people dealing with autoimmune disease in this country. Does watching this make you want to tell your own story? It does for me. Here is the link to go directly to the video * click here.* If you’re like me and you’ve never posted a video response to a video before, here is a link to a short tutorial that walks you through the steps pretty easily * click here.*
Sondra DuBose’s autoimmune story. Check it out 🙂
I’m totally nervous about doing this but I’m going to do it. Are you ready to tell your story too?
It’s a beautiful day here today. It was supposed be 60 degrees today but I think it got warmer. I sat out back for a bit today to try and get some sun on my Elvira skin. I swear I thought I heard it sizzle. Ssssss, haha it’s hard being this pale. I freckle and burn like crazy. Anyway, I brought the laptop out back and made a scrapbook page of the Nugget. One of my all time favorite pics of her standing on our lawn with her arms stretched up in the air like ‘YEAH!!!’ She’s so dang adorable. She’s also the most devious of the grandkids. She plots and plans and she has a really bad poker-face because I can always tell when she’s scheming. I guess that sounds really bad, I mean when she’s scheming to blame something on her sister, trying to sneak an extra cookie, etc. Normal 4 year old plotting and planning.
I used Under The Boab Tree kit by Marta Van Eck Designs
Haha! I laugh each time I see this picture. She brings me so much joy, that kid. Then the gnats or whatever the heck they are were dive bombing me so much I had to come back inside. I think this burst of good weather has brought all the creepy crawlies and fliers out of the woodworks.
So, I started a new blog for posting my scrapbook pages on blogger. It’s prompting me to keep on scrappin. I just love creating something, it’s a good feeling. Anyway, I found a blog that I started right after I got sick . Wow…I know I’m not a writer, like at all, and this sentence proves that but oh my. I’m reading through it and I am SO angry. Which is normal, but it’s just trippy to read. I wrote it never intending to publish it, it’s like a journal. I’m thinking about going through it and removing names and publishing it. Maybe someone who is recently diagnosed can relate to my angry ramblings. I dunno. OK, I really have nothing new to say…Hope whoever’s reading this is having a good day, and that you have sunshine without a million gnats.
Third day into Spring Break and I still haven’t sprung yet. Haha! The sun was shining today too. Ah well, there’s always tomorrow, tomorrow (I love ya, tomorrowwwww). I did get the kitchen cleaned and all of the floors swept. I didn’t even bother steam moppin as the dogs are tracking mud through the house EACH TIME THEY COME IN. Grrrr. This is going to sound pathetic but most times I just don’t have the strength to get down and wipe the mud off of their feet when they come in. So, our floors gets some prints and after a few days I’ll steam mop the heck out of them. Or tell myself that I’ll do it tomorrow….
I spent a good portion of time today working on the computer. I have jumped back in feet first with scrapbooking. This time I’m going to make it stick. It’s something that makes me happy, and I always feel good about each page when I complete it. Whether it looks good is a whole nuther matter. It just FEELS good to do something creative.
A few years ago I went on quest for the perfect photo editing/scrapbooking software. I managed to gather quite a collection of software over the past 5 years or so. I have Photoshop and I love it, My Memories Suite which I like a lot, but there is scrapping software out there that is so user friendly it’s pretty incredible, like Craft Artist Professional 2. I bought a couple of kits from Daisy Trail, CAP2’s site, and that was all it took to get me playing in it all day. (a lot of kits on sale this weekend for $1.99! I know! this sounds like a paid post but it’s not! I love them that much! I’m going to stop exclaiming now!) I put together a collage of me and dad which I thought came out looking very pop art-ish. I blended it in with a colored paper and made a background page which I LOVE. But since it’s our heads on the entire page, I’m hesitant to cover it up with photos and elements lol.
Aight. I’m going to take my Ambien, put on Fringe season 2 and promptly pass out without seeing any of it.
Here’s the bg page. Is it weird because it has our
It’s been a crazy past few weeks around here. A week ago today I was in the ER with a heart rate in the 150’s and palpitations. I had been up all night the night before with the most horrible all-over-body squeezing sensation. It felt like I was being constricted by a boa snake. I had recently started a new medicine that didn’t react well with one that I’ve been on for the past few years. I was told the reaction is rare and there ya go. If it’s rare more than likely I will experience it. I’m tired of being rare, thank you very much body! I stopped the medicine and those awful symptoms are gone.
I’m just hanging out today playing in photoshop and watching the Bean play with her toy kitchen. 🙂 She’s on Spring Break which sounded really exciting to her. When she asked me what it was and I told her it meant no school for a week and a half she said “oh man!!” LOL She does love school. If we can get a day of sunshine coinciding withe some energy, we will go visit the zoo. She’s never been before and it’s been years since I have.