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A nightmare come true-speechless

A nightmare come true-speechless

I’m sick. I know this much. My headache is finally gone, it feels gone.  Is it gone?  I keep rolling over, trying to go back to sleep.  He’s shaking me. Do you know who I am???? Over and over again.  I just pull away.  All I want to do is sleep while I can.  I can’t feel the pain anymore.  You’re not making any sense!!! I can’t understand you!!! He says.  I look at him and I don’t know his name.  I didn’t know I was talking. Wasn’t I just sleeping? Why does he keep waking me up? I realize the importance of his questions.  He is frantic.  His eyes are wide. I love this man, I know this.  But I can not tell him his name.

He is trying to push sweats on over my shorts.  I’m taking you to the emergency room. I’m pushing his hands away.  Do I have clean underwear on? I’m frantic now too. I’m scared. Yet I’m worried about my underwear. I’m trying to talk but no words come out. Just strange sounds.  My daughter comes into the room.  She looks so scared, I feel so bad.  I’m scaring everyone. Stop it!  He asks me, do you know her name.  I know I have to get this right.  It’s important. I say a name. It’s a word!! I said something! But they both look at me.  Sad.  I got the answer wrong.  Now I’m trying to get ready to get in the car.  I’m freezing.

Hey Mom? I turn around real quick and I see my son.  No, I say.  Then I say, I’m ok.  The words came out of my mouth.  We are driving fast, I think I’m crying.  I know that something is really wrong, and I’m scared and I hurt now.  I feel the pain, and the air smells cold.  It’s freezing my nostrils and I can’t stop crying.

We’re here.  I don’t really know what they’re saying.  She says, can you answer me?  I open my mouth and I’m straining but it doesn’t happen. He’s pushing me through the double doors in a hospital wheelchair.  It’s triage.  More questions, more straining. By now, I’m tired.  I just want to go to sleep.  The next thing I remember is the nurse with the mask on.  It covers her mouth but it also has an eye shield. It presses so hard that it pulls her bottom eyelids down and she looks scared.  This is not good.  Needles, IV’s being poked and prodded.  I notice that there is no color.  I’m seeing everything in black and white and I don’t want anymore.  I want to go home.  Doctor comes in and I can’t talk to him either.  This is a freaking nightmare.  He has sad eyes and he is short.  Very small.  He tells me they have to do a scan and then a spinal tap to rule out meningitis.  No, I don’t want this.  He reads my mind and tells me it has to be done.  We have to go to another area to do the scan, and it feels like the room just spins around like in the old TV shows where you pull a book and whoosh.  You’re on the other side.  They have something wrapped around me and tell me don’t move my head, lay still, as they pull me sideways and I slide down onto another table.  I see people on the other side of the glass.  I can’t understand what’s happening.  I can’t hear.  Everyone looks urgent, harried.  I feel like I’m in a bad dream.  I don’t see any color, just black and white.  I’m back with Big C.  I know he’s Big C.

*Then there are two women who are pulling me down a dark hall.  There is a guy who is mocking them.  A Russian lady is talking to me as the other two are climbing under my gurney and wrapping this giant blanket around me like swaddling a baby.  They have a gleam in their eyes.  They are up to no good.  I start fighting them, pulling against the blanket trying to get out.  They will not get me in that room.  We are in some kind of a basement, and what they want to do to me-I know that if they get me in there, I will be dead.  *(I find out later, this part was a hallucination that I had)

I open my eyes and the doctor and the nurse with the uncomfortable mask are prepping me for the spinal tap.  He tells me to grab C’s arm and his and pull.  Harder!!! No push against my arm, harder!!! I am screaming.  I had one years ago, I don’t remember it hurting this bad. The room is all yellow and dark.  I want to know why the lighting has changed after everyone got on masks.  We are quarantined. Everything is so surreal. He is saying they have to be sure.  We have to wait for results.  That’s all I remember. I remember it now like you remember an awful dream.  The one’s that seems so real it gives you a stomach ache.

I woke up in a really large room.  It was bright and sunny and my Big C was there.  I’m like, what happened?  You have meningitis, he tells me.  I’m in a room that is droplet something, can’t remember the term.  But everyone who comes in has to wear a mask and gown.  I’ve got cooties.  At least I don’t have that awful feeling of surrealism spooking me out.  I can talk.  I am scared, but in the oh-my-gawd-how-the-heck-did-this-happen-way. I immediately remember the women, and the Russian, and the guy, I find out that I had a hallucination.  They had actually sent me to get an MRI and I gave the techs some trouble and was “making noises’ and kicking the inside of the machine.  I was so embarrassed!! C said don’t worry about it, you were not you and you didn’t know what the heck was going on.  I got the MRI done a few days later and me and the tech had a laugh over it.

I ended up staying in the hospital for a week.  I had meningoencephalitis, and am just hugely thankful that no major damage was done and that I am here in my bed, typing away. I’m really tired, feels like my ears are plugged and they are ringing at the same time.My brain fog is so thick you could cut it with a knife.  But I am thankful, so very thankful that God doesn’t want me yet.  There still things for me to accomplish here and I’m glad to know it.

Rotten burger + no potassium= Worst Day EVER

Rotten burger + no potassium= Worst Day EVER

I have been gone for a while now.  That’s obvious, huh? 🙂  Since my last post I have been very sick.  I’ve been in and out of the hospital.–  I got food poisoning a couple of days after I  stopped taking a diuretic to remove all the water from my body.  I blew up like a balloon-it was so bizarre!  My skin was stretched so tight from being completely filled with water, that I could only bend my legs so far or they would rip.  Wow, what a pretty mental image…So anyway, I had just stopped the medication when I ate the rotten hamburger, and while taking it you are supposed to get your potassium levels checked each week.  The first week I went in and my doc had been called away on an emergency.  So I asked his assistant if I should just go to the lab and get my blood draw and she said “Nah, he’ll see you next week.”  I left the building feeling a bit weird.  I hate it when I feel that I’m not asserting myself in situations that call for it.  When you are chronically ill, you have to be your own champion.  The people at the doc’s office have no clue what it’s like to be you.  They don’t feel your pain, they don’t lay in bed at night and pray for relief.  I could go on and on… The following week I go in to see him and I stopped taking the med 2 days before my appointment.  At the end of my appointment he is ushering me to the door and i ask about the blood test again to check my potassium levels.  He says, nope.  You are not taking it anymore.  So I leave feeling weird.  He is the one who told me in the beginning that once I started taking this med it was very important to check my levels.  Could be dangerous blah blah blah.

On the way home from the doc’s we go through a drive through because I hadn’t eaten before we left.  Oh My Gawd.  If I could turn back time (go Cher) I NEVER, EVER, would have eaten that damn dollar burger.  That evening I was popping rolaids and going uuuunnnnhhh.  Or something like that.  So I finally tell the Big C that I don’t feel good, and I mean, not good at all.  I end up running up the stairs, and I am in the bathroom for like, forever.  But, something changes.  Suddenly the pain is so great that I start yelling for C, somethings wrong.  And he’s like, um yah, you’re in there crapping your brains out.  Your sick.  And I say no, call 911.  He is standing in the doorway and I’m on the commode and I’m screaming.  Within seconds I am covered in so much sweat that I look like I fell in.  C is trying to talk me out of my silliness, calling 911 for a major evacuation?  But he must have seen something in my face or the tone of my voice or the way I kept saying, call 911, call 911…after that I was out.  They came and got me off of the toilet, got me in a transport chair,  that I ruined within minutes I was told, and to the ER.  I don’t remember anything about the ER except for one moment that I will spare you from and when someone said “why is she so out of it” and someone yelling at me for my arm.  I couldn’t move it.  Then there was pain.  It felt like someone was shoving a metal rod up my arm and I was trying to get it out but they were holding me back.  This whole time I didn’t see anything.  I had my eyes closed C said.

Turns out my potassium level was dangerously low.  That’s why I was so unresponsive.  I was heading out.  So, to wrap up this l o n g story with possibly TMI,  my doc never checked my potassium levels after chemically ridding my body off excess water.  Then, when I ate the death burger, I was already low on potassium and dehydrated.  I’m lucky I’m here right now.  After hearing about the whole experience in the ER, I was mortified, so embarrassed, sure I was going to run into any one of the staff in the grocery store and I would never know it.  But they will see me and go, ‘oh my, it’s the poo queen.’  It’s OK.  C told me that as soon as the blood work came back and they saw what was wrong, they were more sympathetic.  I guess it probably would have ruined my night too if I was working the night shift and in came me.  Maybe I’ll send them a card.  I don’t know if I can find a ‘I’m sorry for ruining your scrubs’ card.  Big C told me that when the nurse wheeled me to the front door I apologized for making it such a crappy night for him.  Always the comedian…  I think I’ll just leave it at that and wear shades when I go out.

Until next time, hopefully better times…  🙂

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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