It’s after midnight and I really have to get to sleep but I wanted to stop in and write. I always have something to say it seems, even if it’s about nothing. I still have. somethin. 🙂
So today I gave myself to do absolutely nothing until the afternoon rolled around. And I did nothing fabulously if I do say so myself! Then at 2:00 I whipped out the new steam mop and rocked these floors out. Literally. I had the rock music blaring, alternative, and I mopped 2 levels of the house and just swept down the third one. I felt pretty good abou myself. Normally I’d feel pretty bad about everyone else here though. See, when I clean I yell. lol I’d like to be able to say “I can’t help it!” but that would be a lie. We all have control over our emotions, at least to some extent. I get pissy when I clean because I start thinking “Why the hell am I doing all this? Why doesn’t anyone else do it??? Why don’t they care to live in a ‘beginner-level’ hoarders home??? And then the screams come out of me whether I want them to or not.
“Look out! Mom’s cleaning”. They say or “stay away from your mother. she’s cleaning.” There’s no detailed explanation needed. They know that if they come into the same room with me I’m going to start exasperatingly screaming. ‘Why can’t you put a dish in the dishwasher??? Who has a bunch of cigarette butts out front?? Why can’t anyone sweep a damn floor around here?’ and so on. I really don’t like doing this, it makes me feel like a bad person. Drumroll please….second time in a month that I haven’t yelled at anyone. Or even just yelled out to the universe, I don’t need anyone home to yell. I have been known to yell whether the family is around to hear me or not. hahaha I told Big C ‘I think I’m finally growing up! It only took 45 years.
I spent the majority of today fighting with photoshop. SO frustrating!! It was like it sensed that I actually had something to accomplish and it kept crashing or freezing at every turn. I’m finishing up a journal/planner for my mom. It was meant to be a Christmas present but I wasn’t anywhere near finished…so she’s going to get it for her birthday tomorrow. Now all I have to do is get this house whipped in to shape before she gets here tomorrow for dinner. It ain’t happenin tonight…
Here’s a couple of pages from the journal. I used a template system by Tangie Baxter called Tangible Plans. LOVE it. I’ve been hooked on Tangie for a few years now, love her work. I’ll post a couple of links below. (this is not a paid post, just want to share her with you!)
This page is really busy but I like the way it turned out.
Soon-ish….there’s a lot of really cute prompts in the kit.
I really have just neglected this blog for the last year. 2012 was challenging to say the least. You’d think that I would come here and let it all out-blog therapy, but each time I sat down to write I just couldn’t. I wouldn’t call it writer’s block because I’m certainly not a writer, it’s more like everything has been so bad I really didn’t want to (couldn’t ?) write about it. I miss it here. I’m going to try and write a little…baby steps.
Instead of going back and talking about a year’s worth of life in this one post I’m just going to post a photo of my grandkids. We took our first neighborhood walk of the year today. As we were rounding the first corner I realized that we need to do this more often. It’s freezing here and the kids are going stir-crazy with this winter break being so long. (3 weeks!!) It was nice to just be outdoors where the girls could run and jump and yell. It made me feel better too. 🙂
Hey all. It’s been a little while…I’ve been conducting an experiment that sounds ridiculous, and now I’m starting to think it is. My PC told me a while back when I wanted to go up on my pain meds that he thought that I would be in the same pain without them as I am with them. I thought he was nuts. So he referred me to a pain clinic and on my first visit after describing all of my pain, the doc told me he thought that I was hypersensitive to the drugs. Whaaa?? I have never heard of this, and this guy must be a smooth talker because after a while I was nodding my head and going uh huh, uh huh. ( I just found an article that explains Opioid Hypersensitivity Syndrome or Hyperalgesia here. )
So, I am in the process of dosing down off ALL pain medicines to see if they are causing me pain and making me sick. Right about now I’m thinking, um no. I am close to being off of them (this is the last week) and man that was fast. He had me taking 30% less each week. I had to put a clonidine patch on to help with the withdrawal. These are the times that I question what the heck I am doing. I am in pain, and I’m in withdrawal, and I am barely functioning. As my kids say-this sucks.
But, I didn’t get on here to whine. Well, maybe a little… I wanted to write about my experience the other night. My jaw was killing me. Like a 9 on the pain scale. And my pain scale is completely different now. What was once a 9 is now like a 4, if that makes any sense. This pain is from a tooth gone completely wrong. A wisdom tooth too. Anyway, I’m holding my jaw, I’m crying and I’m thinking I can’t believe after everything I’ve been through I’m being taken down by a tooth! So, I’m hurting and there’s no amount of orajel that’s going to give me any relief and I start to pray. I’m asking God to please help me. I can’t even see the pain is so sharp. I have to be able to be there for the Bean. Please help me. And, my pain just diminishes. Just gradually easing up and poof. Gone. I praised Him and thanked God, thank you, thank you!!
Sometimes I forget to ask God for help. Sometimes I feel selfish when I do. He is showing me that He does love me. Unconditionally! I just wanted to tell everyone to ask God for help when you need it. And yes, there are times when we don’t get an answer, at least that’s the way we see it. But I think that is the answer. Some things we have to figure out on our own to learn something. Make sense? Maybe 🙂
I know, I’ve been invisible for quite a while now.. Still battling depression, it’s an ongoing thing. I need to get back ‘out there’ and posting is one of the things I need to do to feel good. I have a list of people I need to call/write/hug, and a house to clean, ha!
In an effort to get back into the swing of things, I joined a fantastic site called Chronic Intractable Pain and You. It is an amazing source of support, and a place for advocacy for chronic pain sufferers. I’m going to make this post short and sweet, and place a link to sign a petition. Please at least check it out, read it and if you agree, please sign. We need 10,000 signatures and are at around 900.
Thanks in advance, and I will be back!
Please click on the picture below to take you to the petition =)
Yesterday was the Bean’s birthday. She woke up early and there was a gift from her momma on the kitchen counter waiting for her. Wow! She said when she saw it. A present!!! I told her, yes, momma left it there for you to see first thing in the morning! Well, she was excited as she LOVES presents. What kid doesn’t? Last year we had 2 birthdays for her. One little family one on her day and then the big one on the weekend. Well, after that it took us at least 2 months of telling her every day that it wasn’t her birthday, every day. It didn’t help that she’s a Sproutlet and that dang Happy Birthday show with Chika is on each day. Confused the heck out of her and was more proof that everyday was her birthday and Grampa and I were full of it. Soo, this year we decided to tell her happy birthday, she’d get a gift from mom and we’d save all the festivities until the weekend party.
She has decided that she doesn’t want to be 5. She doesn’t want to get any older actually. She wants to be 3 so she’s closer to her sister’s age, but still older. She happily ripped open her gift, and loved it. Blueberry Muffin, a doll. Now her Strawberry Shortcake has a friend! She loves it. I love her. She is such an amazing addition to our family, and to our lives. Each day I thank God that she is here. My heart overflows with love for her. She isn’t just special needs I often say, she just special. Ok, here’s the thing. We were getting her ready for bed and I was blabbering away at the Big C about something inconsequential and she pulls on my sleeve and says, “Yamma, You are my gift.” Just like that, out of the blue and straight out of her precious 5 year old heart. I almost started crying. She’s amazing.
I love this shot. I really kicked up the contrast and colors, but even with no touch up, it is a pretty flower. These past few months for us as a family have been extremely challenging. Lot’s of illness, family issues, money, surgeries, pain, I need to come back to simple to get through all of this. As usual my Big C is amazing, incredibly helpful, he is my biggest fan. I’m his although he says he loves me more. pffff, haha.
I’m recovering from one of the worst intestinal bugs I’ve ever had. It’s been about 2 weeks and I’m FINALLY starting to be able to keep food down. Well, I lost weight!! I’ve been stuck at a certain weight for 3 months now and this illness got me down 14 pounds, woot! I wouldn’t recommend the ‘barf and poop off the pounds plan’ but I got it for free so I’ll take it. 🙂 I went through a high fever and much pain and my mind would roll and roll whether I was awake or not. I remember thinking, Is pain an emotion? At time when the pain and sickness is so bad that I don’t think I can do it for one more minute-I can feel the depression like a physical pain. And when my body starts to heal of course the cloud gets lifted and even the pain doesn’t feel so bad. You’ll have to excuse my ‘whoooaaaa’ little epiphanies, my brain is running behind a little bit. I’m taking it minute by minute and getting back to simple. Family, flowers, all the things that make you smile.
Another month has gone by and lately I’ve been hyper-aware of how fast it’s flying. Markers are infusions and doctors visits. Everything in between has been an effort to make it through another day. It’s no way to live. My depression is a strong opponent. Each win for the other side sees me sliding down deeper and deeper. The fact that I’m so aware of this leaves me feeling defeated. Why aren’t you doing something about it? Why haven’t you scheduled an appointment with a therapist, the dentist, Bean’s eye doctor??? I feel paralyzed and that makes me feel even more weak. As you can tell, it’s been a time of introspection and one that is not leaving me feeling satisfied with my thoughts.
I often wonder how other people do it. How do they do their life while battling constant illness? Do I have it tougher than everyone else? A big no to that one. I find myself comparing others that come in to the infusion center. I infuse 3 days in a row per month; between 6 and 8 hours each day. It’s a long time in a recliner and I learned early on that sweats and comfy jammies were the way to go. Function over form. I never thought I would utter those words, it’s something I’ve heard Big C say eons ago when we were getting ready to go out and I was complaining about my heels pinching me. He mentioned that guys are all about function over form. What a pain in the ass it must be to be so uncomfortable… hahaha. We have to look good!! Thank goodness men and women are so different. Anyway, this last infusion I got there at 8:30 and sat down, wrapped myself in one of my throws, kicked off my slippers, yes slippers, and settled in. With my hair up in a pony and no make up on, I was suddenly painfully aware of how frumpy I felt. By 9:00 a few more patients came in. Each one with a small bag hanging on their IV pole. Dang it, why is mine so huge… A young woman sat next to me. As the nurse covered her with a blanket out of the warmer, I noticed her shoes. She was wearing a pair of the cutest patent leather Mary Janes I’ve ever seen and they had about a 3 inch heel. I look at my slippers and felt embarrassed suddenly by my at-home-in-bed-ensemble. Her clothes were office casual and she was wearing make up, of course. I felt keenly aware of every hair that was out of place on my head. For the rest of the day I was aware of everyone coming and going. Each person seemed to be happy and have it together. Dressed for work or at least not in their jammies, it was driving me nuts. Was I sicker than all of these people, or was it my frame of mind? Maybe I am sicker-I’m the first one there and the last one to leave. Most that come in are getting Remicade which takes around 2 hours or they’re getting an infusion of iron. My treatment is pretty aggressive. But, I know in my heart of hearts that my thinking is skewed and is keeping me down. I’m not the only one suffering, it’s time to change how I’m going to react to each symptom. I can’t let this keep me down. It’s time to pull up my bootstraps and do something about this depression. I have amazing family support and God on my side too. I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions but I am going to work on my mindset and keep in touch with those who love me. Two biggies.
But not the 80’s tv and movie stars. What do George Wendt, Jason Alexander, Tonya Harding, Philip Michael Thomas (Tubbs), Kelly McGillis, Katerina Witt, Roger Moore, Ricki Lake, (I’m not done yet!) Corbin Bernson, Lou Ferrigno, **Dolph Lundgren, Robert Englund (Freddie Kruger-eeeek!), Darryl Hannah and Peter Falk all have in common??? Singing! This rockin video, Let it Be. No really, let it be. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did. Wait for it….wait for iiiiit…AIR GUITAR! Weee Hooooo!!! Enjoy!
Oops, I didn’t know I couldn’t use the video-they have the embed code right there under it…
Anyway, here is the link to view it on You Tube. Enjoy! Let it Be
**Does Dolph look exactly the same as he did back in the day?? He actually looks a little bit younger to me.
This is what I have been doing. I am addicted to digital scrapbooking and oh man, it is fun. Years ago I started traditional scrapbooking when my friend started selling Creative Memories. I felt like a very un-artistic person when I went to the parties and everyone had these elaborate scrapbooks and mine looked like a kindergardener had put it together. But now, when I open them up I think, who did this? I actually have a little bit of creativity in me. Anyway, digital scrapbooking is a lot more fun to me. The kits that are out there are amazing and you can find freebies just about everywhere you look. Ahem. I just about killed our bank account a couple of times getting carried away buying graphics. That was before I found out that there are tons of freebies. It really is cheaper than traditional as you can use the graphics over and over. No paper cutting!! And stickers? Oh man, I remember going to the craft store and looking at all the stickers and they were like 2 to 5 bucks a pack. With digital, you buy it once and can use them a million times. Can you tell I’m addicted? lol
I’m going to list a few places that are worth checking out:
These are just a few places where you can find some good freebies. If you google it there are hundreds more. I included in the list places where you can find free kits, fonts, and textures. Enjoy!
I haven’t blogged in almost a month, not because there’s nothing to write about. I’ve been really sick and my body never ceases to amaze me in ways that it can hurt. I decided to start writing about everything else, anything else really. I’ll be back soon =)
Kit used for above page: Autumn Illusions by Alla Designs at Scrappity Doo Dah