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Big ol’ recap. LONG.

Big ol’ recap. LONG.

Hello internet! It’s been quite a while. So many things have happened since last I talked to you and I guess that’s a good thing. How sad would I be if 1 year, 2 years later nothing had changed??

To back up, we moved east at the end of 2013. I had to scroll back in my posts to see and yeah, I really haven’t blogged at all since the move.

In December of 2012, we lost my father and big C’s mother in the same week, at opposite ends of the country. Both deaths caught us completely off guard, they were sudden. So much loss and pain. As I was dealing with my father’s death,  C was on a plane to be with his siblings with his mother’s passing. It was so hard to go through our grief separately. In the past we’d said over and over, yeah we’ll end up moving there someday, but it was a vague ‘someday’.  We missed being here for his mom. Life hit us both so hard that we started thinking differently. What do we need to do for us now? Where are we supposed to be right now? The answer was to move near his father to be with him for his last years here. (Big C joined the Navy after high school and landed in the PNW where he started his own family. So, he never got to have an adult relationship with his dad.) We talked a lot about moving… it was going to be hard. Both he and I have 3 grown kids that live in the PNW and making a conscious choice to move across the country, away from them felt so wrong. Our youngest was just barely 18. But after our parents died we knew it was time to spend some time with Senior. And omg. I fell in love with this man.

For the first 6 months we lived with him. C, Bean and I took over his second floor. Our oldest daughter and my granddaughter came as well. They stayed in the RV outside of his house for a few months and then she found a house. (one that I would eventually buy from her when she met a man, had a baby and got married. In that order lol. Yes so much has happened…)

At first, I felt really weird about staying there, but not because of him. He took my daughter, my grandkids, and I into his family as if we’d been there forever. He was one of the greatest men that ever lived. I could see why C is the man that he is. He had a wicked smile. When he smiled it always felt like he had a secret hiding behind it. You know what I mean? Like a twinkle in his eye?  He always made me feel at home in his home. I just felt really weird because I have to lay down quite often. It feels super weird to be sick at someone else’s house.

To compound my awkwardness, when we landed here I was completely off of my mental health meds. Believe it or not, due to a pharmacy error, my old PCP had been refilling my depression meds for a solid year, while the pharmacy was putting my then current PCP’s name on it. I went to refill right after our parents died and was told that my Primary Care Physician would NOT under any circumstances refill my Zoloft. I was stunned. It’s just Zoloft! Not the “taboo” opioids! I could rant on about what this country’s ‘war on drugs’ is doing to the chronically ill society but I’ll save it…I went off of the Zoloft cold turkey while dealing with my father’s death. I’d been on it for over a decade. This had me almost completely homebound and desolate for a year. So, I felt really out of whack, and very not me…I often had to just stop what I was doing and go upstairs to lay down. C told me that dad understood what I was going through, as he took care of his ailing wife until she passed away I think a year before we got here. (C’s mom that passed was Senior’s ex-wife) He was the type of guy that made you feel good. He was quiet and strong, he carried wisdom with him, and he loved his people so strongly. We had 4 amazing years with him before he passed away. It’s been several months but I still feel like he’s here sometimes. I was present when he passed, but it still feels surreal to me.

Alright, I have to get off of my butt and get some things done around here today. I’ll be back.

Looking Back and Moving On

Looking Back and Moving On

 

We’re in the process of packing to move across the country. It’s a job that seems undoable to me at the moment. Whatever’s going on in my body makes me really, really unreliable. When I’m standing upright I have an overwhelming need to lay down. Go horizontal no matter if I’m in public or not. Haha! I’ve never laid my body down on the ground while out in public but the awful rush of the feeling of gravity pulling me into the ground is almost unbearable. Have you ever been on a ride, like a roller coaster where the ride is going so fast that you feel the g-force pushing you backwards? That’s what it feels like except it’s pulling me into the ground. sigh. I’m so completely, completely over my body doing all of the weird stuff it does.

One of my specialists tells me it’s CFS/ME the other thinks the DM is becoming active again, albeit very slowly. I guess we’ll see in time if that’s what it is. For right now though, I can get up from a chair without using my hands. That sounds so simple, but it’s the major test with my rheum to check my muscle strength. I can do it!!! I can climb stairs, I can get out of bed, I can walk down stairs which was always harder than climbing them. My muscles, other than being atrophied, are doing what they’re supposed to be doing. I should be celebrating my remission!! But there’s something else going on. How unfair is that?? To be in remission and be sick as hell is supremely unfair. I just keep telling myself ‘your muscles are good. your muscles are good’…it’s my mantra and it’s all about perspective.

                                         Image courtesy of Burly Man, another Myosotis fighter.
Don’t you? 😀 Hate it, hate it, hate it!! But it is what it is. I try to enjoy the good times with every fiber of my being. This disease and the whole process has changed me for sure but I’ve received some really good things from it too. I am aware of time and just how valuable it is. It’s made me appreciate my family and friends more. I tell the people I love that I love them all the time. I probably sound like a broken record but I mean it. Being aware of your own mortality is a little scary but it really does make you appreciate. Everything. I’m very lucky to be here on this earth, complaining about my health. haha!

Whatever is going on in my body will not keep me down. We ARE going to be fully packed and ready to go by the end of the month. I’ve found a new mantra.

Until next time,

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